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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
I give myself the best presents.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?