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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..