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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath