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For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.