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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.