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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.