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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)