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Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.