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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.