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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.