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Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.