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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Being human is expensive and exhausting.