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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.