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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.