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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
only fights if pillows are present.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!