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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.