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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown