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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.