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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.