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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.