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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.