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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.