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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.