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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.