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Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"