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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.