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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Do bees even have knees?
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part