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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?