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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!