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You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?