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I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me