Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.