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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.