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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
heyy lol
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.