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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.