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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.