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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.