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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Life`s too short for Salad..............
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.