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"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors