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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
My life is just one long improvisation.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.