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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.