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Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.