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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I`m perfect you adjust.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.