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Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
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I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.