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First fart at my new job.
Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.