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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug