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I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.