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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor