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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF