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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`