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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!