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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.