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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?