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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.