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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you