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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.