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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.