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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet