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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!