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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?