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Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.