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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav