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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.