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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.