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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.