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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.