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Have you hugged you bartender today.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.