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Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.