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He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.