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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.