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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.