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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
hilarious
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!