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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
pudding... thats always a funny word
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I know u r but what am I ?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.