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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.