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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.