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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?