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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.