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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.