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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!