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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Tieam... problem solved
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”