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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I have off-road rage, too
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.