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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.